Can we really ever have it all?

Looking at my options for any form of higher education in the microbiological sciences. I know for sure that I absolutely want to study those little buggers....but who knew the education required to study this miniscule world would be so darn HUGE AND COMPLEX. So here lies the paradox.

I am extremely interested in bacteria, viruses, the immune system...that whole world. But, starting in 2006 I worked as a tech in a hospital where I constantly found myself moved to tears, inspired by my co-workes, full of joy and full of sadness. I know my life must be lived to serve others - especially the sick - and really I've been ruined for any other job.

My mother has been such a source of inspiration to me. She is so beautiful, and when people comment on our likenesses - appearance and temperment - I am honored. I am not one of those daughters who "can't stand" their mother, or who just wants to run away from my parents. My father is the intellectual side of me, my inquisitive nature, but my mother is compassionate. She is now the ICU nurse manager of a Northern Virginia hospital. She works herself to the bone to provide for her staff. This year she just received an award for all of her hard work, although she never tells anyone. I know my mother works so hard to be able to pay for my education, and I think I'm sort of driven by that. I don't want to let her sacrifice in vain. Her dream for me my whole life was to become a doctor or scientist.
Just recently on a visit back to Virginia, while my mom and I were watching that series "Hopkins", I got up and went to this junk closet in our basement. I dug around for a while before pulling out a tattered box and inside lay my very first microscope. When I was maybe 5 years old we set this up in our kitchen to look at my blood cells after I scraped my knee on the driveway. The things my mom has done for me are innumerable, but this one, this experience, will never be forgotten.

A list of schools on my wishlist for MD/PhD(microbiology): NYU-Mount Sinai (fat chance, but this girl can dream), VCU, UW.....that's a terrible list. I need to do more research.

I've got time though...But here's what I am constantly thinking: Take GREs, Take MCAT, Graduate undergrad, hike the AT, Join the Peace Corps for two years, Enter into an MD/PhD program (that will take me all the way up until I'm 32). And lastly: HOW I'M GOING TO PREPARE TO DO ALL OF THIS WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR!? (it is normal at this point in this regular progression of thoughts to have a small freak-out moment where I decide to do none of it and move to New Zealand - I've gotten all the way to the payment page for plane tickets before...I wonder when I'll actually click the "buy tickets" button) Applications must be filed, tests must be studied for, recommendations must be obtained, not to mention my regular course load.

That's as far as I've gotten, and notice there is no time in there to say "get married", or "have children"....which I want to do....and will eventually....I wish there was someone out there I could talk to who has these same dreams, who's done this all before. I don't want to make sacrifices, I want to do everything, I will do everything - even live in New Zealand. The postdoc I work for told me she only knew one woman MD/PhD, and that scares me.

I can only hope to stop moving forward occassionally, stop planning, and enjoy myself, bring joy to others (and age gracefully). God gave me this brain, God gave me this body, he gave me this soul....if I only used it to obtain the next highest educational degree it would be an incredible shame.

phew, writing that was good for me...and maybe a little psychotic.
SK.